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Writer's pictureStephen Scherer, Ph.D.
3 min read

Trapped by the Fear of Being Abandoned

By: Stephen Scherer, Ph.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist



Lonely person with DPD BPD

Humans are generally very social beings and a desire for connection is natural. For some individuals, a fear of being abandoned by those we feel connection to becomes pervasive and disruptive and starts influencing their thoughts, behaviors, and interactions with others. Fear of abandonment often develops in childhood and can result from experiences like neglect, abuse, or frequent and unpredictable separations from caregivers. This inconsistency may create a deep sense of insecurity and over time and a belief that one is unlovable. In an attempt to manage the anxiety of being abandoned, a person will develop a series of strategies designed to help them survive the resulting emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, these unhealthy coping mechanisms are all aimed at avoiding perceived abandonment which, although providing short term emotional relief, can result in abandonment actually occurring and long term suffering. The development of this fear can be a hallmark characteristic of both borderline personality disorder (BPD) and dependent personality disorder (DPD), although it manifests differently in each.


BPD: Individuals with BPD experience an intense fear of abandonment that is also sometimes erratic. People living with BPD may experience all-or-nothing thinking that causes one to view relationships as either ideal or completely worthless. This may cause a person to engage in impulsive behaviors, like self-harm, substance abuse, or make suicide statements in a desperate attempt to cope with overwhelming emotions or prevent abandonment from occurring. Unfortunately these same protective behaviors tend to lead to ultimately relationships ending.


DPD: In DPD, the fear manifests as a need for continuous reassurance and support from outside sources. People with DPD might struggle with making decisions on their own due to low self-confidence, readily agree with others to avoid conflict, view themselves as helpless, and form very intense and overly-attached relationships. Their primary focus becomes maintaining emotional and practical dependence on others, often at the expense of their own autonomy and burning out friends, family, and caregivers. This is particularly debilitating because any perceived gains toward independence become sabotaged due to the belief that by doing better they will be abandoned.


Common Behaviors Reflecting Abandonment Fears:

  • Intense Attachment: Both BPD and DPD can manifest in overly-attached relationships. People might struggle to be alone and become overly reliant on partners or friends for validation and support.

  • Fear of Disagreements: Also known as “people pleasing,” DPD sufferers might avoid expressing disagreements or asserting their needs for fear of upsetting someone and triggering abandonment. This comes out a bit differently with people living with BPD - one might have an intense emotional reaction to perceived slights or rejections, even minor ones.

  • Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: Someone living with DPD may avoid or derail progress in treatment to stop from feeling better because of the fear that becoming well will result in a loss of support. Individuals with BPD might engage in impulsive or risky behaviors that ultimately push loved ones away, especially if they are upset with that person, ultimately reinforcing their fear of abandonment.



The Road to Independence

freedom from BPD and DPD

Overcoming fear of abandonment is a difficult task. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these fears, develop coping mechanisms, and build confidence, and this can seem incredibly scary at first. Here are additional tips one can use when working through abandonment fears:


Develop Independence: Start small - practice making decisions or completing tasks on your own. Remember, increased independence doesn't mean that relationships will end, even though it may feel that way.

Build a Support System: Surround yourself with healthy, supportive relationships that foster self-reliance and give you an opportunity to healthy form bonds.


Practice Self-Care: Prioritize small activities that promote emotional well-being and build self-esteem over time.


Practice Assertiveness: Learn to communicate your needs and opinions clearly without being passive or aggressive.


Seek Professional Help: A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your fears and develop strategies to manage them effectively.


Remember, overcoming fear of abandonment takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and seek professional help if needed. With the right tools and support, you can build secure and fulfilling relationships.



*Note: This blog post is intended for informational purposes and does not substitute for professional medical or psychological advice. Always consult with qualified healthcare professionals for personalized guidance.


 

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